A man and his wife were awoken by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
The man drove to the reservation and handed his ticket to the medicine man.
The old man methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4’ “ he responded. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
10. Life is sexually transmitted.
9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach a man to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like a Slinky.... Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
4. We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3. Why does a ‘slight’ tax increase cost you $200.00, and a ‘substantial’ tax cut only saves you $30.00?
2. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
1. “Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers: What you do today might come back and burn your ass tomorrow! NICKNAMES 
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !’
GOOD EXCUSE
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
BIRTHDAY GIRL
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So that’s what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yeah.” Joe said, “She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”
Below are four questions plus a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time. OK? Let’s find out just how clever you really are....
#1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
#2. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
#3. Very tricky arithmetic! This must be done in your head. Do not use paper & pencil
or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30 to that. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.What is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
#4. Mary’s father has five daughters, Nana, Nene, Nini and Nono. What’s the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you answer Nunu? Wrong! Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the Bonus Round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop and wants to buy a pair of sunglasses. How does he indicate what he wants?
It’s really very simple. He just has to open his mouth and ask. Blind people can talk.
The mind is a terrible thing…
THE ONE QUESTION TEST
This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and People swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It’s Kanye West and Lindsey Lohan!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world’s most famous people.
THE QUESTION:
Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
(Industry Version) -By Flanagan
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere you go
Take a look in the taverns, they’re as dark as caverns,
Save for the random patrons and their drunken glow.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Tips are not to be found.
But the sorriest sight to see (if you’re asking me)
Everyone’s got enough dough for one more round.
A nice big pile of loot and some liquor we can shoot,
Is the wish of every Industry folk in town.
But it’s hard to seem real eager, when our tips are pretty meager,
And the customers regard us with a frown.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere you go
There’s a tree in the Hyatt fountain, sucker’s as big as a mountain,
And it lights up the street with its glow.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
So to honor it, show some class,
‘Cause one thing we all remember is if the tips dry up in December
You can all collectively kiss my ass!
Happy Hour Land (to the tune of WINTER WONDERLAND)
-By Flanagan
Work is done, are you listening?
On your upper lip, sweat is glistening
Oh what a sight
Those three hours a night,
Drinking in a Happy Hour Land.
Gone away is your wifey,
Here to stay is this awesome lifey,
Your pals clap and cheer
As you buy them cheap shots and beer
Pounding in a Happy Hour Land.
In the kitchen they can build a sandwich,
For less than half of the regular price
Then have some fried cheese; you don’t need to be rich,
To enjoy these special treats; isn’t life so nice?
Later on, we’ll conspire
As we babble, stomachs on fire
Thanks to the hot wings
Among other things,
We consumed in a Happy Hour Land.
Behind the bar they can build a pitcher,
Of watered down draft beer for you clowns
As you call up your wife and ditch her,
Because tonight you’re going out with the boys on the town!
Then you realize, that you love her,
Plus you’re broke as hell, cheap drinks are over,
Your wallet’s a poor sight, you’ll be on the couch tonight
Because you got sloshed in Happy Hour Land.
Man, you like your Happy Hour Land,
Until there’s no more Happy Hour Land!
Here Come JagerBombs (to the tune of HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS)
-By Flanagan
Here come Jagerbombs!
Here come Jagerbombs!
Right down your esophagus lane!
Keep your tequila and lemon drops
‘cause Jager is pulling on the reins.
The bombs are falling, it’s kind of appalling
Things are gonna be interesting all right.
Wipe away the drool and say your prayers,
‘Cause Jagerbombs will be slammed tonight.
Here come Jagerbombs!
Here come Jagerbombs!
The wrong way up esophagus lane!
The German liquor is flowing, the Red Bull’s glowing
As you flail about like a hurricane.
Here comes the dismissal, of the last call whistle
Oh what a beautiful sound.
Now hear the gurgling of vomit, rocket out like a comet
Thanks to Santa Claus buying that last round!
Rumple Minze (to the tune of JINGLE BELLS)
-By Flanagan
Driving down the road, in a busted Chevrolet
To the bars we go, laughing all the way;
Drinking shoes laced up, stomach’s feeling right
What fun it is to ride and get donkey-shitfaced tonight!
Rumple Minze, Rumple Minze, Rumple all the way!
O what fun you are to drink ‘til my problems go away
Rumple Minze, in abundance, I guess I’d have to say
You’ll probably kick my ass tonight and to the toilet gods I’ll pray!
Sometime during the night, I’d made my way inside
And sat down at the bar, with a butter-faced gal by my side
She had teeth like a set of keys, certainly not very hot
But it was Christmas so I said ‘oh well’ and whacked back tons of shots.
Rumple Minze, Rumple Minze, Rumple all the way!
O what fun you are to drink ‘til my standards go away
Rumple Minze, you make no sense, I hate you more every day
Especially when I make out with bar yetis, who look like Michael Bay
Now the night is done, the room is spinning ‘round
My stomach’s doing jumping jacks, and I think I just fell down
I stagger to my feet, and now I’m seeing quadruple
As I push my way past the bar yeti and her nine-pound done-lap FUPA
Rumple Minze, Rumple Minze, Rumple every day!
O what fun you aren’t to drink when you make my stomach sway
Rumple Minze, you dirty bitch, my groceries you make me spray
I’ll curse your name forever, or at least ‘til Christmas Day!
Amazing Mathematical Movie Formula
This math formula can predict your all time most watched film. Mine was Star Wars.
Try it without looking at the answers. It works!
- First, pick a number from 1 – 9.
- Multiply it by 3.
- Add 3, and then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.
SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IF IT WORKED FOR YOU!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. Gone with the Wind
2. Citizen Cane
3. Pulp Fiction
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Godfather
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Goats & Leather Clad Boys.
10. Terminator
We are in serious trouble...
The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work; you and me. And there you are, sitting on your ass, reading Industry freakin’ Magazine. Nice. Real nice.
So.. You Think You Know Christmas?
1. What does Alvin the chipmunk want for Christmas?
2. What is Frosty the snowman’s nose made of?
3. What color was the Grinch?
4. What was the name of Ebenezer Scrooge’s dead partner?
5. What Christmas food is made from “marsh-worts”?
6. What ocean is Christmas Island in?
7. How do you say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
8. How many reindeer, including the red-nosed one, pull Santa’s sleigh?
9. What are the names of the reindeer?
10. What is the name of the elf that wants to be a dentist in the Christmas classic “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?”
SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWERS
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. Hula-hoop
2. Button
3. Green
4. Jacob Marley
5. Cranberry sauce
6. Indian Ocean
7. Feliz Navidad
8. 9
9. Dasher, Donner, Dancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Prancer, Blitzen and Rudolph
10. Hermie
This is a quiz for people who know everything
These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters ‘dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them.
(dweeb is not an answer)
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter “S”
SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWERS
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. Boxing
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Strawberry.
5. It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. The fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar are the period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. Lettuce
9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings and stilts.
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables and starts reading the newspaper. The bartender is a little bit shocked by this but pours the beer anyway and brings it over to the horse. The horse hands the bartender a ten dollar bill. Now the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ‘short-change’ trick on him. He goes back to the horse and says, “Here’s your change.” and hands him one dollar. The horse doesn’t say a word.
The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, “You know, we don’t get many horses in here.” To which the horse replies, “At nine dollars a beer, I’m not surprised!”
What’s in a Name?
A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar. He goes up and starts some small talk. Seeing that she isn’t backing off he asks her name.
“Carmen,” she replies.
”That’s a nice name,” he says, warming up the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”
“No, I named myself,” she answers.
“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”
“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she says looking directly into his eyes.
“So what’s your name?” she asks
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Beersex, my name is Beersex.”
A police officer sees a driver swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He puts on his siren and pulls the car over. The officer asks the man to step out of the car and he tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar near closing time waiting for all of the drunks to come out and get in their cars to drive home. The officer figured this would be like shooting fish in a barrel. When the bar closed he set his eye on a particular customer who stumbled out of the bar, tripped on the curb, and tried his keys on five different cars before he found his own.
The man sat in the front seat for a while fumbling around with his keys. His windshield wipers went on and off, his headlights went on and then off, his horn beeped. Everyone else had left the bar and drove off. Finally, the man started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was ready for him. The guy didn’t get 2 blocks before the cop pulled him over. He got the man out of the car, read him his rights and administered the dreaded breathalyzer test. The reading on the breathalyzer was 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how much the man had to drink. “Not a drop.” The man replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and Fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're gonna hate Fridays.
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "I hate to tell you this, but I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"